Emotional Pain Interferes with Communication

     My husband and I do couples mentoring. We have endured, battled, and pushed through various trials and problems in our 23 years of marriage, but the one thing that has been a recurring issue is communication. All the couples we have worked with have suffered from communication problems as well. Somewhere between the thoughts in our heads, words rolling off our tongues, and entering our partners ears...something goes horribly wrong. Have you ever heard or uttered the words, "No no, that's not how I meant that!" or "What exactly did you mean by that!"...Sometimes the unspoken words are just as damaging. Some just shut down and refuse to communicate.
     It is my belief that Satan intends to confuse and disrupt our communication. We need to be ever mindful that emotional wounds are entry points for Satan to come into our lives and gain a foothold. If left to fester, that foothold soon becomes a stronghold. Emotional pain and offenses breed feelings of rejection, loneliness, anger, and bitterness. Some wounds cause individuals to feel dirty, ashamed, and unworthy. These experiences can change how we see ourselves and the people around us. The words we hear are sifted through our personal filters, based on our life experiences and perceptions. This can cause words to mean different things to different people. It can also cause us to be hyper-sensitive, causing disproportionate reactions. Hurting people hurt people. When we feel threatened or hurt (whether real or perceived) we go on the defensive. We must learn to evaluate our own feelings and emotions, in order to understand why we feel what we feel and do what we do. Our thoughts and beliefs generate our feelings, and our actions then follow. In order for our feelings to change, we need to change our thinking. When we understand our own thought process it is easier to understand others. Forgiveness is the beginning of healing. Empathy is being able to put ourselves in our partner's shoes (feel what they feel), and love conquers all.
     The first step is for both partners to seek healing and forgiveness for his or her own emotional wounds. The second step is to recognize that the enemy is not your spouse, but the powers and principalities of this dark world seeking to tear you apart and destroy your marriage. Join forces and partner in battle against the enemy, not each other. Then practice healthy and productive communication techniques. Talk about how words and actions make you feel; do not attack each other's character. Listen and repeat what you hear to ensure you have heard correctly. Stay focused; do not skip from one issue to another or bring up old issues. Take a break if tempers flare; anger blocks communication, and most importantly....Pray. Pray as individuals; pray together. Ask friends to support you in prayer. Pray for unconditional love, and understanding for each other, and pray against the plans and schemes of the enemy trying to destroy your relationship and communication. Marriage and families are under attack; it's time we fight back...we just need to focus on the real enemy!